A Few Random Thoughts

Sometimes I have random thoughts, and make odd observations. You do too. You know you do. You’ll be in line at the drive thru or trimming the shrubs along the edge of the driveway, and suddenly, out of nowhere, you’ll find yourself wondering why they call something you park on a “driveway.” I have these kinds of thoughts all the time; so much so that every so often, I have to let them out. Otherwise they’ll keep bouncing around in my head until I can think of little else.

–If I was a former CIA operative, like Liam Neeson’s character in the movie “Taken,” I would use the speech he gives his daughter’s kidnapper all the time. If someone cut in line ahead of me at a convinience store, I’d pull him aside and say:

“I don’t know who you are, but I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for someone like you. Step away from the counter and that will be the end of it. But if you don’t…”

–Why do people insist on backing into parking spaces? I don’t get it. You either spend a few extra seconds on the way in or you spend them on the way out. Plus, you’re in my way!

–A few years ago I set up a profile on several job search sites. Though I am not currently looking for a job, I never deactivated the accounts, so from time to time I get job alerts. The other day I received the following alert from Duke Careers:

“Head women’s basketball coach, California State University San Marcos.”

While I am obviously qualified, even overqualified for this position, I’m not sure how a profile that was set up to find warehouse, inventory, logistics, and freelance writing jobs selected this one.

–What exactly is meant by the saying “you can’t have your cake and eat it too?” I know what everyone thinks it means, that you can’t have it both ways. But what good is having a cake if you can’t eat it? Why would you want it? You don’t even care, do you?

–A few weeks ago I stopped at a gas station to put a quart of oil in my car. When I tried to put the cap back onto the reservoir, it fell down inside the engine. I couldn’t reach it from above, so I crawled under the car and was finally able to tip it to one side. I slid back out our from underneath the  car and resumed my efforts to get the cap.

By the time I had the cap in my hand, both of my arms were covered up to the elbows in grease. It was at this moment that a panhandler chose to approach and ask if I had any spare change. So she chose the one time when it was actually impossible for me to get money out of my pocket to ask me for some. Not that I would have given her any anyway.

–Why are the reduced speed limits in school zones enforced on days when school is not in session? Is it that difficult to disable the flashing lights for a few days?

–The other day I received a letter from something called the National Cremation Service offering to, as a thank you for serving my country, help veterans like myself plan affordable cremation arrangements. As an added bonus, the NCS offered to process my benefits and include a “fine wooden urn with memento kit.”While I appreciate the sentiment, there are several issues with such an arrangement:

  1. I am not, technically, a veteran. While I have tremendous respect for current and   former members of our armed forces, the closest I’ve come to serving my country is standing for the national anthem at sporting events.
  2. It is a bit troubling to me that an organization like the NCS not only has my name and address, but thinks that I am old enough to receive benefits. Coupled with the fact that I also received an AARP membership kit a week or two ago, the offer makes me want to ask the world just how old everyone thinks I am!
  3. I have a problem with planning my own funeral. And before I’m deluged with messages informing me of my irresponsibility and short sightedness, let me state that I really don’t care what happens to my remains after I’m gone. I’ll be dead, after all. Planning my own funeral seems a bit like inviting the grim reaper in for coffee. Why tempt fate?
  4. Just what exactly is a “memento kit?”

That’s all for now. As always, thanks for reading. And don’t forget, you have to let out those thoughts, no matter how crazy. You can just walk up to a random stranger and ask why the moons which orbit other planets have names, while we refer to ours as “the moon.” You might be surprised by how well these types of questions are received. The stranger may even return the favor by giving you a question to ponder; something to pass the time while sitting in your padded room.


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