With Apologies to Jack Handey

Hello, I’m Johnny Cash. Wait! That opening line has already been taken. Let me try that again. Hi everyone! Time for another installment in the ongoing saga that is “Adventures of the Bear Team.” Actually, we’re a little short on adventures this week, so to change things up, I thought I’d just pontificate a little. These are just some random thoughts and observations I’ve been kicking around. Oh, and by the way, for those who don’t know who Jack Handey is, click here to achieve enlightenment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSrXpFb7jFo.  And we’re off!

 

-People who live in Southern California cannot drive in the rain. By even commuting to work during a light rain you may very well be taking you life in your hands. To get an idea what it’s like, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vB9YFsMsBIQ

-Yesterday I overheard a woman tell someone that she’d just come from church practice. What does that mean exactly? Do you really need practice to sit in a pew for an hour?

-I went to the McDonald’s drive thru the other day and noticed that the following statement is printed on the bag: We only use 100% USDA inspected beef. Yeah, no s***. Isn’t it against the law to use anything else?

-Wouldn’t it be funny if actors were forced to repeat famous scenes or quotes from their most famous films in every movie they make? Imagine Macaulay Culkin in a serious dramatic role. Something bad happens and he claps both hands to his face and screams “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” just like in Home Alone. http://www.imdb.com/video/hulu/vi4244570137/  Wouldn’t that be great?

-I have a friend and co-worker with whom I often debate political issues. Whenever we get into a discussion, I always think about how unique our situation is. How often do you see a liberal from Georgia debate a conservative from California?

-Why does anyone keep what I like to call  “little yap dogs” around? You know the ones I mean. All they do is bark and bark and try to bite your ankles when you walk by. They are so mean spirited. What benefit comes from owning one of them?

-How does Taco Bell survive in San Diego? When there are at least ten or fifteen Mexican restaurants nearby, all of which have better tacos than Taco Bell, why the hell would you go there?

-As part of my Dish Network package, I have a channel called Palladia which airs live music. While scrolling through the channels, I noticed an upcoming event: Carrie Underwood – Unplugged. Don’t you have to be “plugged” at some point in order to unplug?

-I absolutely detest the song “Drops of Jupiter” by the band Train. That is all.

-I once knew a person who put mayonnaise on hotdogs. And not just a little mayo. One time this person, who was a family friend, prepared hotdogs for everyone at a party. I was handed a hotdog with enough mayo, in the legendary words of my dad, to “choke a hog.” Disgusting!

-If you walk through a park at night, trip over a homeless person sleeping on the ground, and hurt yourself, who is liable for your medical care? Is it the city, since you were on public property? Is it the homeless person you tripped over, since he or she was lying on a walkway? Or is it you, since you were in the park after it was closed for the night? So many questions.

-Marlboro now has a type of cigarette called Marlboro Black, which comes in a black package. What are they trying to tell us? The craziest thing is that people buy them anyway.

-One thing I’ve learned in my life: After a trip to the supermarket, I’d rather carry enough bags to give me a hernia than make an extra trip to the car.

-If you have a dog and a cat and keep both inside, make sure you keep your dog away from the litter box. Otherwise, he will treat it like his own little buffet.

-No matter what you might think, it is never a good idea to jump off a bridge, or to ride your bicycle off of the front porch. Trust me on this one.

           There you go. Now that we’ve finished the instructional/self-help portion of the program, on to the top ten list. Today’s topic: favorite Johnny Cash songs. As some of you already know, the Man in Black is my favorite performer of all time. His originals are incredible, and when he covers songs written by others, they immediately become his own. Without further ado, here are the ones I love the most, in no particular order (and with video links where available):

  1. Sunday Morning Coming Down http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hP67H4qfe5w
  2. I See a Darkness http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Txn1MiqJct4  (Do yourself a favor, listen to this one!)
  3. Long Black Veil
  4. Let the Train Blow the Whistle
  5. Folsom Prison Blues http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5bjH2fVdqE
  6. Ghost Riders in the Sky
  7. Hurt http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmVAWKfJ4Go
  8. San Quentin http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Txn1MiqJct4
  9. Big River
  10.  Unchained

           There you have it. You could do much worse than spending an afternoon listening to these songs, and the rest of Cash’s catalouge. If these songs can touch a metalhead like me, just think what they could do for you! That’s all for now. As always, thanks for reading. And never forget the following words of wisdom: There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

           See you next time!

 

 

 

          

 

 

 

 

  

          

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