Recently, on the way home from a night out on the town, Dena and I stopped at Country Wine and Spirits to pick up a few items: coconut water, coke, vodka, you know, the usual stuff. As I was paying for our items, Dena called me over to the end of the counter where there was a display of impulse buys. Amid the jumble of snacks, airline sized shot bottles, rolling papers and the like stood a collection of incense. There were all the usual suspects: jasmine, cinnamon, lilac; but one stood out above all the rest. Right in the middle of the other, typical scents stood a selection of incense marked (I swear) “pussy.”
Now I don’t know how somone managed to put this particular scent on a stick of incense, and I certainly don’t know why they would do so, but I couldn’t help but wonder who came up with the idea. Did this person wake up one morning with the idea in his or her head? Did it come to them in a dream? And just what had he or she done the previous night which led to such a brainstorm? I don’t know the answer to any of these questions, and to tell you the truth, I’m not sure I want to know.
After our stop , we headed home. Walking from the car to our apartment, I noticed that the moon was full. No wonder then, that we’d nearly been killed a dozen times on the way home. Actually I couldn’t really blame the moon for the insanity of the highway. While almost crashing a dozen times on a single trip may seem like a lot, it is by no means unusual for Eastern San Diego County. To get an idea of the mentality of the typical driver out here, click on the link below.
In order to avoid disaster on the local highways, it is often necessary to engage in an activity that we simply call “pulling an Adam.” This phrase refers to making an unorthodox manuever while driving, and is named in honor of Dena’s cousin; an LA resident who infamously made a U-turn in the middle of Rodeo Drive while showing us around the city. “Pulling an Adam” encompasses all manner of illegal turns, lane changes, and snap decisions. To say that Dena takes after her cousin would be putting it mildly.
On this particular night, we’d needed every trick in the book to emerge unscathed. The hazards were many: old men who felt it necessary to come to a complete stop before making a right turn; middle-aged women in SUV’s reaching into the back seat to subdue their children while yakking on cell phones; daredevils on crotch rockets zipping up the center lane at speeds approaching a sonic boom. And those were just in the parking lot of the restaurant.
When we finally made it to our apartment (which will NOT be our home for much longer, thank God!) I realized that the lunar cycle was responsible for much more than just crazy motorists. The people downstairs, who will never be confused with Rhodes Scholars, were letting it all hang out as usual. From the sounds coming from their apartment it seemed as if they were operating a dance club and a daycare center for children with severe behavioral problems while simultaneously taking turns howling at the moon like mortally wounded hound dogs.
In addition to the cacophony floating up from below, our newly arrived next-door neighbors alternated between shouting at each other in Arabic and holding what sounded like a full scale professional wrestling match complete with rowdy spectators and off-the-top-rope flying elbow drops. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin would be proud. http://www.wwe.com/superstars/stonecoldsteveaustin. Not to be outdone, the people on the other side of us were apparently in the midst of a scientific experiment to determine just how many times a door can be opened and then slammed shut before falling off of its hinges.
All of this was a bit too much to take. Something had to be done. Only one thing could save us… Bear Team powers activate! To shut up the people downstairs, Dena turned on the vacuum cleaner and rolled it repeatedly back and forth across the floor, making no effort to avoid bumping into the wall. At the same time I turned on the kitchen sink and began banging dishes around, running the garbage disposal all the while.
To quiet down the grapplers next door, we called to each other from across the room, discussing at great length how annoying it is to have noisy neighbors. We followed up on our loud conversation by banging on the wall between our apartment and theirs with a wooden spoon as Dena repeatedly yelled “Callate!” (which for those of you who slept through Spanish class in high school, myself included, means “shut up!”) You may ask why we would tell people from Kuwait to shut up in Spanish. My only answer is that you had to be there for it to make sense. It worked, though.
As of this posting, we are riding out the remaining week or two of our lease before moving to our new place in the city. Every time someone nearby is too loud, said person receives an immediate response. By refusing to put up with any nonsense, we have established ourselves as the big dogs on the block. Well, maybe not. But people do scatter when they see us coming; whether out of respect for our personal space or fear that we might be crazy I don’t know (and don’t care). But we’ve at least gotten everyone’s attention. Just ask the people downstairs. Well, maybe you shouldn’t ask them. They wouldn’t understand the question anyway.
And now, on to the top ten list. The topic for today: favorite pro westlers of all time. While I no longer follow the “sport,” I was, in my younger days, an avid fan. From the days of the old National Wrestling Alliance (NWA) to the more recent success of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) I spent quite a few Saturday mornings and Monday nights watching huge men pretend to beat the living crap out of each other. Here are my favorites performers, in no particular order:
- “Nature Boy”Ric Flair
- Jake “The Snake” Roberts
- Nikita Koloff
- The Rock
- “Mr. Perfect” Curt Henning
- Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat
- “Macho Man” Randy Savage
- The Road Warriors (tag team)
There you have it: memories of a misspent youth. You wrestling fans out there feel free to post your own lists in the comments below. After all, it’s the holiday season; what else do you have to do? That’s all for now. As always, thanks for reading. Happy New Year to you all!